submission vs surrender

22 June, 2002
I’m not sure how to start this, so I’m just going to jump right in.

I’ve been thinking about the fight, “but fighting what”? For me I thought what I was fighting was the love that God has to offer. There’s something in me that is convinced that I’m just not worthy of it. Anyhoo, the concept of “surrender” has really been bugging me this past week or so and I think I’ve finally figured out why!!

In my mind I had confused the concepts of “submission” and “surrender”. I’ll explain: Most of my life the term “submit” has always had negative connotations, primarily because submission has, for the most part, been forced upon me (ie. “you will submit to me!”). Therefore, In my mind, I had equated submission with a loss of rights, with not being able to choose. It was very negative, and my instincts told me to fight.

I had also confused the concept of “surrender”, I had equated it with voluntarily giving over my rights to another.

Biblically, to “submit” is to voluntarily come under the influence of… another. Usually an authority, and God asks us to do that willingly, but he also asks us to submit to one another. The basic concept is to come under the influence of each other, encourage each other, learn from each other, build each other up. Submit to Him, etc.

Surrender is primarily used in terms of battle (and this is where the fight thing comes into it), and the surrender comes when one party has basically run out of resources and has to give-up/give-in is their only option.

Having said that, I can now explain this fight that was continually going on in me. It stems from the fact that I still have some fight in me! I still have the resources to do this on my own! So to surrender to God is very difficult, and thankfully it’s not what he asks me to do anyway!!!

To submit to God is to still be able to use what we have but to come under his influence, His guidance, His protection, His care.

I’m not sure if this is actually going to make sense to anyone else, but it has certainly been a huge thing for me to come to understand.

The concept of “submission” has been so twisted and warped in my life, that the term had become, in a sense “toxic” (without me even realising it)… the true meaning and benefit of it was lost.

Anyhoo… this has been a real breakthrough for me this week, and I thought I’d share.

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surrender

4 June, 2002
What is it that’s surrendered? After all, he is the Master of the Universe, the Creator, the one who breathes life into all… Reality says, everything is His anyway… Nothing is ours… our pride is the thing that fools us into believing it is… however… one thing is ours.. our will…. So.. that is that which must be surrendered.. to His will. The struggle for me is in self-gratification. I want it, and I want it now!! but… he loves me…. he loves me… he loves me… I’m not poetic, never have been, I can’t even write limericks… but… those words… “I love you Terri” spoken by the One who knows me better then anyone.. even myself.. the One I can’t hide my selfishness from… the feelings those words illicit… nothing can compare to them… I melt – I surrender. I stop fighting. But what am I fighting? I’m fighting the One who knows what’s best for me.. the one who wants me to have life and have it to the full.. the one that will never harm me, never put me to shame, never be unfaithful… I fight him… why? Because I find it hard to accept that sort of love… I don’t receive well… so i fight. I fight it so much that I willingly walk in harms way… I don’t deserve his love, I am not worthy of his love, I am nothing… yet… I am his beloved… I am the beloved… what a paradox… he loves me…. he loves me… I hurt him… he loves me… I turn my back on him… he loves me… I surrender to him… he loves me… I fight him.. I struggle with him.. I tell him I don’t love him…I tell him he’s doing it all wrong.. I tell him how he should be doing it… and… he loves me… I surrender… I collapse in his arms… and cry…. I can’t fight anymore Lord… I can’t do this anymore.. I can’t do it.. I can’t do it.. I can’t do anything.. .I’m useless.. I hate me.. I hate me.. I’m so worthless.. I hate me…. and he says… “I love you”…. And I cry some more… and I surrender to his arms… and he loves me.. and I stand up and I fight… I fight for the ones around me who are unloved…who don’t know they are loved.. who are tired and hate themselves and the world around them… and and.. and… I start all over again.. it gets to me… and I start to fight it my own way.. and I ruin it all over again… and I turn, and look, and there he is.. and I run to him to hear those words… “I love you”…. and I fight.. and I kick and I hit him because this world is so painful.. it will kill us I yell.. and he holds me so tight… and I cry… and I sob… and I bury myself in his arms… and he loves me… and I sit… with him… looking at the pain and the hurt and the hatred.. and we talk… and he tells me he loves them all… and I love them all… and he sends me out… and I go.. and….