surrender

What is it that’s surrendered? After all, he is the Master of the Universe, the Creator, the one who breathes life into all… Reality says, everything is His anyway… Nothing is ours… our pride is the thing that fools us into believing it is… however… one thing is ours.. our will…. So.. that is that which must be surrendered.. to His will. The struggle for me is in self-gratification. I want it, and I want it now!! but… he loves me…. he loves me… he loves me… I’m not poetic, never have been, I can’t even write limericks… but… those words… “I love you Terri” spoken by the One who knows me better then anyone.. even myself.. the One I can’t hide my selfishness from… the feelings those words illicit… nothing can compare to them… I melt – I surrender. I stop fighting. But what am I fighting? I’m fighting the One who knows what’s best for me.. the one who wants me to have life and have it to the full.. the one that will never harm me, never put me to shame, never be unfaithful… I fight him… why? Because I find it hard to accept that sort of love… I don’t receive well… so i fight. I fight it so much that I willingly walk in harms way… I don’t deserve his love, I am not worthy of his love, I am nothing… yet… I am his beloved… I am the beloved… what a paradox… he loves me…. he loves me… I hurt him… he loves me… I turn my back on him… he loves me… I surrender to him… he loves me… I fight him.. I struggle with him.. I tell him I don’t love him…I tell him he’s doing it all wrong.. I tell him how he should be doing it… and… he loves me… I surrender… I collapse in his arms… and cry…. I can’t fight anymore Lord… I can’t do this anymore.. I can’t do it.. I can’t do it.. I can’t do anything.. .I’m useless.. I hate me.. I hate me.. I’m so worthless.. I hate me…. and he says… “I love you”…. And I cry some more… and I surrender to his arms… and he loves me.. and I stand up and I fight… I fight for the ones around me who are unloved…who don’t know they are loved.. who are tired and hate themselves and the world around them… and and.. and… I start all over again.. it gets to me… and I start to fight it my own way.. and I ruin it all over again… and I turn, and look, and there he is.. and I run to him to hear those words… “I love you”…. and I fight.. and I kick and I hit him because this world is so painful.. it will kill us I yell.. and he holds me so tight… and I cry… and I sob… and I bury myself in his arms… and he loves me… and I sit… with him… looking at the pain and the hurt and the hatred.. and we talk… and he tells me he loves them all… and I love them all… and he sends me out… and I go.. and….
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