sabotage

22 October, 2002

My Nan died on January 13, 1995. Today I really miss her.

I went shopping this morning and saw this sweet lil’ old lady, although I’m sure she wouldn’t apprecate that description. Anyhoo, the point was, she reminded me of Nanna, and tears immediately came to my eyes. At first I thought it was just just because I miss her, but it went deeper.

After having a bit of a pray about it, I realised that it wasn’t merely me missing my Nan, but God was trying to show me something about myself.

My Nan was a special person in my life. She was one of the few people who overtly showed their love and acceptance of me, and was one of the few people from whom I accepted it. The truth is, even though now, I know that I am loved by family and friends, it’s been over 7 years since I’ve heard those words in the way that my Nan used to say them.

Erm.. the words being,

I love you.

Along with this realisation is how much I long to hear them. How much I need to hear them, and the fact that I put up so many walls around me, and fight against relationship in so many ways, that I’m the one that is actually preventing others from getting close enough to say them.

Ironic huh? One of the things that I truly want is geniune relationship with people, yet I’m constantly sabotaging that very thing. Why do I do that!??? Why would I be more prepared to settle for relationships that are often very superficial and really poor substitues for the real thing, when it’s the genuine article that I’m really longing for, and is often available to me!?

What am I afraid of and why does that fear have more power over me than my geniune desire for healthy realtionship?

These are the things I’m left pondering.


the world’s gone crazy

22 October, 2002

Ever have one of those days when the worries and cares of this world become so all encompasing that you feel like you’re paralised?

  • bombings in Bali,
  • sniper in the States,
  • a guy goes nuts with handguns at Monash Uni,
  • another bomb attack in Israel,
  • people murdered in Palestine.

How can we do this to each other???

I don’t get it.

It hurts.


perspective

19 October, 2002
I’ve had an interesting couple of weeks. Those feelings of uncertainty and insecurity can really knock me around. I have to remind myself constantly that God’s love for me doesn’t change. That no matter how poorly or well I feel like I’m doing, His love is constant.

That’s an amazing thought really!


he’s got it covered

8 October, 2002

Matt 6:25, 33-34 (NIV)

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?… But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

It’s obeying Him in the day to day that brings us to the ever after.

I made that up.. Yeah I know.. cheesy… sorry.

Funny how there’s some lessons you just keep having to learn. This is one of my favourites, ok, so that was sarcasm. I was recently reminded that I fret too much about long term matters. What I’m going to be doing in 1 year… 2 years… 3 years (you get the picture). When I already know that continuing to seek and obey Him each day will lead me to where I’m going.

Why is it I allow myself to be overwhelmed by circumstances beyond my control? Why do I allow myself to dwell on things undone, incomplete and unresolved when really all I need to do is put my proverbial nose to the grindstone and do, complete, resolve and let Him take care of the things I can’t affect.

I like the sound of that!

Now.. if only I can pull it off…


been, being, becoming

7 October, 2002
I’m having a bit of a Meg Ryan (You’ve Got Mail) moment here.

“I have lived a small life.”

There are so many things that I could’ve experienced to date, that I haven’t, mainly because I’m not very brave. I wonder about the things I could’ve done that I haven’t. If there are things that God has had for me to do, but I’ve ignored Him in preference of taking the easy road, or, at least, the road that is less challenging, safer?

I’m disappointed in me. I want to be brave. I need to be brave to follow my Lord. There are so many things I would love to do. So many things I would love to be brave enough to do. How can I be braver?

Is it a faith issue? Probably.
Is it a worthiness issue? Most likely.

Why does it always have to come down to “Who I am?”

Ok. I know the answer to that one. Because that’s what this is about. Who I am is who I am becoming.

I just hope I’m brave enough to be who it is He wants me to become.