sabotage

My Nan died on January 13, 1995. Today I really miss her.

I went shopping this morning and saw this sweet lil’ old lady, although I’m sure she wouldn’t apprecate that description. Anyhoo, the point was, she reminded me of Nanna, and tears immediately came to my eyes. At first I thought it was just just because I miss her, but it went deeper.

After having a bit of a pray about it, I realised that it wasn’t merely me missing my Nan, but God was trying to show me something about myself.

My Nan was a special person in my life. She was one of the few people who overtly showed their love and acceptance of me, and was one of the few people from whom I accepted it. The truth is, even though now, I know that I am loved by family and friends, it’s been over 7 years since I’ve heard those words in the way that my Nan used to say them.

Erm.. the words being,

I love you.

Along with this realisation is how much I long to hear them. How much I need to hear them, and the fact that I put up so many walls around me, and fight against relationship in so many ways, that I’m the one that is actually preventing others from getting close enough to say them.

Ironic huh? One of the things that I truly want is geniune relationship with people, yet I’m constantly sabotaging that very thing. Why do I do that!??? Why would I be more prepared to settle for relationships that are often very superficial and really poor substitues for the real thing, when it’s the genuine article that I’m really longing for, and is often available to me!?

What am I afraid of and why does that fear have more power over me than my geniune desire for healthy realtionship?

These are the things I’m left pondering.

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